How to Open a Package of Cheese in 10 Easy Steps!

And now, an I'm Just Saying Rant:

I am aware that saying things were easier when I was growing up will jettison me into that category of adulthood usually reserved for grandmothers who reminisce about trudging through 10 feet of snow on their 10 mile, uphill hike to their one-room school, but who cares - some things WERE easier when I was younger, like opening a package of cheese.

Twenty years ago, blissful cheddery delight could be yours in just 2 simple steps. But now, it's not so simple. It took me several seconds, along with my kitchen scissors and a paring knife, to fight my way through the plastic origami shrouding my 8 slices of Havarti!

And it's not just cheeses that have gotten this special treatment. Those crazy plastic molds that encircle everything from computer cables to baby monitors require someone with weapons training to open them.

So, I beg of you manufacturers to stop the madness! My mom and dad - both aging Boomers - will soon be entering a time in their lives when they'll no longer be able to wield the necessary box cutter or hacksaw required to open up these plastic pods, which means I'll be getting telephone calls to come and liberate some object of their desire from its plastic fortress of solitude, or push their Zantac pills through those irritating pill cards, or peel back the foil from that bottle of Motrin.

I'm just saying!

Come Join the Anti-Multi-Tasking Movement!

As I sit here at my computer writing this, I'm also watching a presidential documentary on TV, reading email messages, and checking out Huff Post while a house cat rests on the arm of my chair. Across the room, my husband checks his emails, archives data while twisting around to watch that same presidential documentary when it sounds like there's something interesting. We are the Multi-Taskers and, I suspect, you are, too.

How did we get here? When I was a little girl, I came home from school and did my homework to the sounds of the evening meal being cooked - no iPod, no radio, no television, emails, tweets! Homework time was a sacred and singular pursuit. Friends knew not to visit or call during homework time. That's not to say that I didn't get to see my friends. On the contrary, we friends would spend hours outside, jumping rope or just flat-out running as fast as our legs would take us. After friend time, there was meal time, spent with the buzz of conversation instead of the buzz of the Blackberry. Dinner was eaten at the dinner table, without a television in sight, and if the telephone rang, well, it just kept ringing because there were no phone calls allowed.

So what changed? Well, the rapid development and deployment of technologies for one. Technologies have grown ever more portable, and they've served to erode the artificial barriers that we erected in our orderly little pre-megabyte world. I can put the finishing touches on my boss's speech on a device the size of a cassette tape all from the comfort of my family room while Snooki smooshes with a Juice Head on the Jersey Shore and iTunes updates this week's pod casts. I can Skype from my kitchen to my best friend in San Francisco while fixing dinner and listening to my favorite Boston radio station online while reading the recipe I downloaded to the PDA in my apron pocket.

But it can't all be technology's fault - right?? Right, it can't be. I have to take some responsibility for where I currently find myself. Technology can be a bit like that character in my favorite movie, "All About Eve." The character "Eve is an upstart young actress who, upon meeting her idol, an older Broadway star played by Bettie Davis, insinuates herself into her life,  acting as wide-eyed innocent errand-girl while wrapping her tentacles round poor Bettie Davis. In the end, Ms. Davis fends off her younger rival, and defiantly breaks free of "Eve." I may not be able to defeat technology, and, to be honest, I don't really want to. I merely want some balance back in my life.

So here's my Anti-Multi-Tasking Movement Manifesto:

• I will ignore the urge to update my Facebook status while standing in line at the store/Post Office/grocery store, etc. Instead, I will talk to the person in line with me instead.
• I will sit next to my husband and watch a television show or movie with my PDA in silent mode.
• When sitting next to my husband and watching a TV show or movie, I will resist the temptation to look up a relevant piece of trivia on said PDA and will, instead, make a mental note to look it up at a later time and deal with the temporary unease of not knowing.
• I will sit at the kitchen table and read the hard copy of the daily newspaper.
• I will eat all meals at the kitchen table or dining room table with only conversation and light background music as our accompaniment, and with my PDA in silent mode and shoved into my briefcase.
• I will not read the NY Times, Huff Post, Thomson Reuters from my PDA while in bed.

So there it is. I know, you may not get that same flag-waving feeling like in "Les Miserables", but it's a start. I'm just saying:)

The 10 Commandments of Facebook

By now, we've all enjoyed long Saturday afternoons mining the delights of Facebook. But, apparently, that's not all we've been doing. Recent news stories have told tales of marriage-busting indiscretions that have begun on Facebook. Divorce lawyers back up these claims with figures of their own, showing an uptick in Facebook being a factor in marital rifts. So it seems that the time has come for I'm Just Saying's 10 Commandments for Facebook:

1. Thou shalt not "friend" nor confirm your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
2. Thou shalt not "friend" nor confirm that guy or gal you hooked up with sophomore year of undergrad.
3. Thou shalt not post suggestive photos of yourself as your profile pic.
4. Thou shalt not post status updates that read, "bored and looking for some company."
5. Thou shalt not IM your friend's spouse and have long conversations about the meaning of life and your impending mid-life or quarter-life crisis.
6. If thou hast broken Commandment #1, then thou shalt not suggest a telephone call or coffee date to "catch up," because you might get caught up!
7. Thou shalt not check "single" in Relationship Status if you're in a relationship.
8. Thou shalt not hit the "like" button when your buff ex from high school posts his shirtless pics on his profile.
9. Thou shalt not post old photos of you and your exes on your profile.
10. If thou hast broken any of these commandments, thou shalt not attempt to hide your actions from your spouse, for as there are no secrets on Facebook, so no secret can be hid from your spouse.

I'm just saying!

I'm Just Saying: 39 For the First Time

I'm Just Saying: 39 For the First Time: "It's not that I don't like people, but as I recently celebrated my 39th birthday, I have to say that sometimes the human race leaves a lot t..."

39 For the First Time

It's not that I don't like people, but as I recently celebrated my 39th birthday, I have to say that sometimes the human race leaves a lot to be desired. First, it's flattering that I look so young that people ask, "how old are you" when they're told that it's my birthday. But, it's irritating that when I answer them, they shoot funny looks my way and respond with a chorus of sarcasm in their words, "oh, you mean 39 AGAIN!!" Tee-hee, I guess the joke's on me. To say that you're 39 is like announcing that you had emergency surgery on your "deviated septum", when what you really had was that bump removed from your nose, or that you lost 80 pounds in a couple of months just through "diet and exercise" instead of major surgery (Starr Jones, I'm looking at you!). There is an assumption of dishonesty, or, more precisely, an assumption of vanity. I won't lie - 39 is difficult, but so were 30, 25, 21, 18, 16, and 13. We call these "milestone" birthdays, but they become like that annoying Jeopardy music, and when the music stops, what do we have to show for it?

I was always racing towards a big something during those past birthdays. By 13, I wanted to fill out my sweaters; by 16, I wanted to have gone out on my first alone date; by 18 I wanted to have a straight-A average and a tall, Adonis-like boyfriend for my sorority formal; by 21, I wanted to be based in a cool city and traveling the world; by 25, I wanted to have an Oscar/Tony/Grammy and to have been proposed to at least once; and by 30, I wanted to already be married, famous, and traveling the world with my husband and children.

This birthday is different. It's found me grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life and all of the wonderful experiences that I've had. Instead of running flat-out, I'm walking with a purpose, and stopping once in a while to survey all that is around me. I wish that I had discovered this active thoughtfulness when I was younger, this ability to savor a moment, to luxuriate in being. I am a better person for the things that I have learned so far, and here, as my gift to all of you staring down the barrel of whatever birthday is on the horizon for you, is a piece of my list of lessons learned...so far. Here goes:

• I've learned that if you're going to work a job that you hate, do it for a lot of money and stockpile cash to start a business that you love.
• I've learned that you shouldn't cut up photos of you and your ex - no matter why the relationship ended, those experiences are a part of your personal story.
• Always take a photo, because your memory will get fuzzier with each passing year.
• Never let someone insult you and get away with it - bad behavior in people must be treated like bad behavior in a puppy, so put their nose in it!
• If it's a choice between buying something you really want for yourself, and buying something for someone in need, choose the someone in need because you'll both feel better.
• Don't hate yourself, because if you don't like yourself, what chance has anybody else of liking you?
• Take at least 2 trips a year - the change in perspective is better than a face lift!
• Never respond to an email when you're boiling mad.
• Avoid Super Bowl parties and New Year's Eve parties - both are annoying and tend to go on too long!
• Go to church even when you don't feel like it.
• When someone says, "bless you" in response to a question answered, just say "thank you."
• Don't talk during the movie/opera/orchestra concert/play - it's just rude!
• Always ask questions.
• Be honest in what you know and in what you don't know.
• Don't mistake need for love.
• Don't become your significant other's mother - that's just not sexy and it's a bit creepy!
• Don't order pizza in Alaska because it won't end well.
• Always pack a hat in your day bag.
• It's never too late to try something new, to be someone better.

Well, I hope this helps. Happy birthday to me and to you. I'm just saying:)

Twas the Week Without iPhone:(

It all started innocently enough - it was the end of the week, time to take a few minutes to sync up the old iPhone. At least that's how this electronic adventure began for my husband and I. The iPhone in question is his as I have and continue to be a lover of Blackberry, but let's not rub salt into the wounds. So let me get back to my story, ah yes, it was time to sync. All seemed to be fine, until it was time to download and install an iTunes update. That's when hell's fury was unleashed and my hubby's iPhone became a blank, empty useless shell. No apps. No NPR/New York Times real time updates. No LMAO singing, "Shots." No texting. No telephone. We were off the grid.

Anyone who uses an iPhone can attest to the wonders and joys of catching up on the latest episode of "Glee" while you're standing in a long line at the Post Office, or playing a raucous game of Scrabble while you're at the DMV. It's a beautiful thing - when it works. But when it doesn't work, it's an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Since it was a busy work week, my hubby could only dedicate evening hours in pursuit of a fix. We decided to work as a team. I went the conventional route, calling the customer support number for Apple and trying to restore the settings on the dang thing. The telephone call was an exercise in frustration, and, in the end, the disembodied voice over the phone and the help function in iTunes both led me to the same place - the desolate realm of the online support forums. Pages and pages, with links to subpages and footnotes, flew before my eyes with a dizzying array of instructions and alternate actions, all in super-geek-speak.

My husband would check in by phone to see how the patient was doing, and he'd continue the work on his return from the office, on a furious hunt for corrupted files, failures to initiate, or drivers that failed to install. One night, we stayed up until 3am, well, actually, the hubby did - I took little cat-naps illuminated by the light of the computer screen. Until finally, he turned off the lamp and the computer and issued a DNR for his iPhone, at least until we can take it to a "genius" over the weekend.

The psychological effects of this have been curious. When we're watching television and trying to figure out just where we've seen that actor before, instead of the usual quick trip to his iPhone, my husband struggles to remember instead. At dinner, our little friend is no longer on the table. And when I'm reading, I've noticed that my husband's actually staring at me and not the screen. It's been nice.

But as much as his iPhone can hinder our communication, it also has been a great tool for us to keep in touch during our busy days. While I'm at work, he'll send me sweet text messages to ask how it's going, almost like digital mash notes. I can text him a funny joke on a day when I know he's slammed.

Hopefully, our little iPhone will be all fixed and ready for action. But I hope that we remember that it's nice, once in a while, to turn it off. BTW, Blackberry rocks! I'm just saying:)

Generation "Short Term Goal"!

First we had the Baby Boomers, then we discovered The Greatest Generation, next was Generation X, then Generation Y with their first cousins, the Millennials. These terms are a succinct way of demystifying the motivations and mindsets of millions, and, as such, we've been bombarded with them. But I've always been a verbal pioneer, preferring to let my personal interactions and explorations in the frontiers of social anthropology help me to create my own system of classification.

For instance, my Generation X brothers and sisters can be called "Generation Hook-Up". Most of us were children of divorce or were friends with children of divorce so we had front row seats to people not keeping their promises on an intimate level. We saw corporations breaking their promises to our Boomer parents toiling in the fields of middle management hell, and so we redefined commitment and loyalty. Generation Y or The Millennials can more aptly be described as "Generation Play Date," due to the need on the part of their parents to organize these children into play groups, or "Generation Company Man," because they seem perfectly at home with the structure and authority of groups and organizations. Gone are the days of John "no longer Cougar" Mellencamp singing "I fight authority/authority always wins." No, Generation Company Man is quite comfortable with rules, as long as you praise them every minute with a chipper "good job!" then you're golden.

But now, I'm watching the emergence of what will be the next Generation, raised on the reality television industrial complex. In a constantly expanding media universe there are an infinite number of "contestants" competing for an infinite number of prizes, all living in non-descript communal houses, enduring humiliating challenges and being voted off one by one until, 4-6 weeks later, a winner emerges and they win The Big Prize.

Cupcake makers brought to tears in a one-day challenge where tempers flare, batter flies, and giant cupcake spires teeter on the verge of collapse while the seconds tick away on the giant clock - because there's ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS a clock? Sounds great! Restaurant chefs screamed at and belittled and stripped of their chef's whites one by one until a final cook-off brings the winner fame and a job (even though the job's only for one year)? Sign me up!! Living on a deserted stretch of croc-infested tropical forest, sleeping in mud, and living like Tom Hanks in that movie where he talked to a volleyball after his plane crashed all for a cash prize?? Bring it!!

Welcome to Generation Short Term Goal! They'll endure anything as long as it doesn't last too long and will net them The Big Prize in the end. They'll want it all and they'll get it all without all of that pesky waiting. Want a record contract? Post videos of yourself singing on YouTube, Tweet about it, or put your song on iTunes you'll be a star! Want to be a fashion super model? Skip the cattle calls and simply upload images of yourself to your Facebook page and you'll get the gig! You see, it will no longer be about getting discovered, it will be about getting paid and getting famous!

For this generation, there will be Patron Saints who have successfully worked the formula for Generation Short Term Goal. Consider Snooki. This pint-sized de-poofed self-proclaimed Guido connoisseur and now book author owes her entire career to a video submission to the producers at MTV and her ability to withstand getting sucker punched in front of cameras. And then there's Kim of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the statuesque wig-wearing singing sensation who parlayed her reality TV shenanigans and extra-marital affairs into musical chart-topping gold, without all of the drudgery of years of singing instruction and singing ability. 

Generation Short Term Goal will abolish terms like paying your dues, working your way up, or starting from the bottom. Getting a foot in the door won't be good enough, they'll want more, hell, they'll deserve more, and they'll get it, but they'll get it fast!  These people won't fail - they'll simply be voted off, doomed to be recycled on yet another reality show somewhere else in the reality universe where they'll set a course for a whole new short term goal.

In the end, Generation Short Term Goal will want what every other Generation wants - recognition. Boomers want recognition for their sacrifice, Gen X wants recognition of our particular gifts and talents, Millennials want recognition of how hard they work and how valued they are. What will define Generation Short Term Goal will be the means by which they seek this recognition. I can't wait to tune in - I'm Just Saying:)