So I've just taken Oprah's Happiness Quiz, and, according to her, and guest Goldie Hahn, I'm happy enough, but I could be doing so much better. One of the questions was do you think that happiness is genetic? According to Oprah, 50% of our happiness is genetic. Does anyone else find that a troubling statistic?
My dad is the high priest of pessimism. Got a new job, Dad will worry over how long you'll keep it. Got a promotion at work? Dad will wonder how long before the stress from all of that work will kill you. So are my genetics my destiny? Well, the good news, for me at least, is that my Mom is little miss sunshine. Got a new job? Wonderful, let's celebrate and figure out what you're going to wear!! Just got that promotion you've been working so hard for? Awesome, let's celebrate some more and figure out where you're going to invest all of that extra money!! Two parents, two different takes on the same event - it's like my own personal Rashomon effect! If 50% of my happiness is genetic, then what portion of that 50% comes from Dad and which from Mom?
As for the other 50% of my happiness, well, according to Oprah and Goldie, having children may or may not make me happy, having sex definitely will make me happy, knowing my neighbors will make me feel happier and safer (although I think it all depends on who those neighbors are), and having time alone every day will "CHANGE MY LIFE!!" (that's my Oprah voice, but la Goldie readily agreed so it must be true).
Now I don't mean to sound snarky, and I think it's sweet and lovely of Oprah and Goldie to show me that, even without their Emmy Awards and millions of dollars, there are ways for me to, as Oprah says, "up your joy" (that sounds slightly naughty, doesn't it?). But my spirit guides usually aren't sporting Cartier rings and LV bags, and so it's a little hard to take when Oprah tells me how much money I need to be happy (hint: its a figure much lower than her personal worth).
The one pearl that I gained from Oprah and la Goldie was what happiness comes through our connections to one another, so that no matter how much of a Debbie Downer my Dad can be, our connection to each other brings him some happiness, and that makes me happy, too:)
I'm just saying.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
How to Marriage-Proof Your Friendships
They were there for you when you dated what's-his-name, and when you dumped what's-his-name. They leaped for joy when you got The Big Job and crossed their fingers when you went for The Big Promotion. They ooh-ed and ah-ed when he put a ring on it, and they bustled your big white dress before you took to the floor for your first married dance. These are your friends, and while they survived through thick and through thin, they sometimes bite it after "to have and to hold." So what gives?
Numerous studies have talked about the health benefits of coupling and the stability that a legal union brings, but the negative toll that marital bliss takes on friendships can be measured in more emotional ways. Want proof? If you're married, take a look at the people who were your bridesmaids and your groomsmen and ask yourself when was the last time that you talked to them, had a meal with them, shared a confidence with them.
If you're not pleased with the results of this walk down memory lane, you're not alone. A lot of us, both married and single, received bad advice. Newlyweds are expected to be sequestered in connubial bliss for the first year of marriage. Writing thank-you notes, finding a home for all of the wedding loot, and, of course, making mad, passionate love are what you're supposed to do. If you come out of your love den to attend the odd family event, you're greeted with knowing smiles and snickers, especially when asked "so, what have you two been up to?" You almost expect to see Benny Hill pop up and deliver a "hello, hello" in his best Cockney accent!
After the Honeymoon Year, the married couple continues to settle down, maybe buying a new home or beginning home improvement projects to the home they already own. I call years 2-5 The Project Years, which can include redoing a kitchen, a bathroom, an entire house. There will be many hours spent at Home Depot or Lowe's, as well as Benjamin Moore, and your kitchen table will become a repository for paint samples, floor and tile samples, and an Ikea catalogue, in case you scrap the whole DIY thing altogether.You're also supposed to be making mad, passionate love, but this is part of another project - making babies.
By the end of year 5, if you've successfully completed The Project Years, then it's time to raise your children with that newly remodeled kitchen/bathroom, or, if you haven't done so already, move into a more child-friendly home and/or neighborhood. Now it's at this point that you will meet other parents or parents-to-be, either in the neighborhood or at yoga class, and you'll become friends.
By now you should be asking, "But what happened to my old friends?"
The answer to that is complicated. If you had an amazing sense of timing, then you and your friends went through this cycle of engagement and marriage around the same time. But, if you're like most people, then while you were in the Honeymoon Year, your old friends, who were also following bad advice, were giving you your space.
Space. Let's think about that word. When people are in a romantic relationship and they say they need their "space", you don't have to be Phi Beta Kappa to know that you're at the end of the line. So if you say that you're giving your newlywed friend space, does that mean you're throwing in the towel on your friendship?
Well, sort of.
Let me explain. As the old friend, I am supposed to be understanding of the needs of my newlywed friends, and I'm supposed to amend my expectations for our friendship lest I be called "needy" and, worse, jealous of their coupled happiness. As the old friend, my job is to be undemanding, which means tossing out the unwritten rules of what friendship actually means. Phone calls, lunches, dinners, trips to museums, trips to the movies/flea market/shopping mall - these are all optional now. Don't get me wrong, these activities were optional before marriage, too, but they didn't feel optional. They felt vital. And at some point, your old friend finds a new friend - someone whom they can call without guilt or reservation. In essence, they hit the "delete" button on your friendship before you do.
Some friendships limp along with interactions confined to group dinners or holiday open houses with sprawling guest lists, and the quality of the friendship declines. Once the children begin to arrive, along with a move further out to the bigger home, then you're down to holiday cards and occasional telephone calls. But it doesn't have to be this way and here are some tips to help your friendships survive the marriage trap:
I'm just saying:)
Numerous studies have talked about the health benefits of coupling and the stability that a legal union brings, but the negative toll that marital bliss takes on friendships can be measured in more emotional ways. Want proof? If you're married, take a look at the people who were your bridesmaids and your groomsmen and ask yourself when was the last time that you talked to them, had a meal with them, shared a confidence with them.
If you're not pleased with the results of this walk down memory lane, you're not alone. A lot of us, both married and single, received bad advice. Newlyweds are expected to be sequestered in connubial bliss for the first year of marriage. Writing thank-you notes, finding a home for all of the wedding loot, and, of course, making mad, passionate love are what you're supposed to do. If you come out of your love den to attend the odd family event, you're greeted with knowing smiles and snickers, especially when asked "so, what have you two been up to?" You almost expect to see Benny Hill pop up and deliver a "hello, hello" in his best Cockney accent!
After the Honeymoon Year, the married couple continues to settle down, maybe buying a new home or beginning home improvement projects to the home they already own. I call years 2-5 The Project Years, which can include redoing a kitchen, a bathroom, an entire house. There will be many hours spent at Home Depot or Lowe's, as well as Benjamin Moore, and your kitchen table will become a repository for paint samples, floor and tile samples, and an Ikea catalogue, in case you scrap the whole DIY thing altogether.You're also supposed to be making mad, passionate love, but this is part of another project - making babies.
By the end of year 5, if you've successfully completed The Project Years, then it's time to raise your children with that newly remodeled kitchen/bathroom, or, if you haven't done so already, move into a more child-friendly home and/or neighborhood. Now it's at this point that you will meet other parents or parents-to-be, either in the neighborhood or at yoga class, and you'll become friends.
By now you should be asking, "But what happened to my old friends?"
The answer to that is complicated. If you had an amazing sense of timing, then you and your friends went through this cycle of engagement and marriage around the same time. But, if you're like most people, then while you were in the Honeymoon Year, your old friends, who were also following bad advice, were giving you your space.
Space. Let's think about that word. When people are in a romantic relationship and they say they need their "space", you don't have to be Phi Beta Kappa to know that you're at the end of the line. So if you say that you're giving your newlywed friend space, does that mean you're throwing in the towel on your friendship?
Well, sort of.
Let me explain. As the old friend, I am supposed to be understanding of the needs of my newlywed friends, and I'm supposed to amend my expectations for our friendship lest I be called "needy" and, worse, jealous of their coupled happiness. As the old friend, my job is to be undemanding, which means tossing out the unwritten rules of what friendship actually means. Phone calls, lunches, dinners, trips to museums, trips to the movies/flea market/shopping mall - these are all optional now. Don't get me wrong, these activities were optional before marriage, too, but they didn't feel optional. They felt vital. And at some point, your old friend finds a new friend - someone whom they can call without guilt or reservation. In essence, they hit the "delete" button on your friendship before you do.
Some friendships limp along with interactions confined to group dinners or holiday open houses with sprawling guest lists, and the quality of the friendship declines. Once the children begin to arrive, along with a move further out to the bigger home, then you're down to holiday cards and occasional telephone calls. But it doesn't have to be this way and here are some tips to help your friendships survive the marriage trap:
- Leave the Significant Other at home (or, "Guess Who's NOT Coming to Dinner) - You love your spouse, and your spouse knows that, so you don't have to spend every moment with them, and neither does your friend. Going out to dinner sans spouse might seem odd, at first, but if you want your friendships to grow and deepen, then you must provide for the ability of your friend to share new and fun experiences with you alone. I'm not saying that you can't invite your friend to a family dinner, too, but if you make that your only interaction, then you're making a mistake.
- Zip the lip (or, "Put it in the vault") - I've never bought into the bunk that says that spouses must share everything with each other, including their friends' personal business. Why? Because, guess what, YOU'RE MY FRIEND, NOT YOUR SPOUSE! A friendship is an intimate relationship which means it involves trust. If I know that you're blabbing away to your husband about what I've told you in confidence, then I'm not telling you anything more.
- Phone NOT Facebook (or, Don't "Friend" Me, Just be my Friend) - Facebook has made lots of things more efficient, but true friendship is more than efficiency. While you may post about your new car, don't forget to call your best buddy during the whole car-buying process. Think that something like that's too trivial to call and tell your friend about? Well, you just posted it for hundreds of other pairs of eyes - think about it!
- Let Your Friend Play Hostess (or, Su Casa, Not Mi Casa) - So you've got all of the pieces to your wedding china, as well as that Tiffany's serving dish and you can't wait to show them off, but if you want to keep your friendship from becoming a perpetual "away game" for your friend, then do them the courtesy of visiting them at their home. They love their home as much as you love yours. They have favorite recipes they'd love to cook for you. Let them, and love them for seeking to share this most personal part of who they are - their home.
I'm just saying:)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Dinner Dance
As I speed towards the fourth decade of my life, I've become increasingly obsessed with the everyday rituals of life. The trivial things, such as when I sleep, when I wake up, and when I eat, and what I eat, are all suddenly important. I never gave these things much attention when I was growing up, mostly because I didn't have much choice. Bedtime was set by Mom, as was the morning alarm. Mealtimes were set by Grandma, who lived with us and was our family's executive chef, and the menu was a balance of meat, vegetables, and a starch, all consumed at the dining room table once Mom arrived home from the office. Once in a while, we kids could make a special request for hamburger night, but that was all of the input we were allowed. And life was good, uncomplicated and good.
Now, it seems like that kind of approach is no longer the norm. I know of families where the dinner table is a constant battlefield, where kids refuse the food on offer, and the parents throw up the white dinner napkin of surrender and settle on a feast of take-out pizza and fast food. I've dined at one home where a picky 6 year old refused to eat the homemade dinner and was then served the fried bologna sandwich he requested. Have it your way? Hell to the NO!! I've even had people show up to our home for Thanksgiving dinner armed with microwave corn dogs (you know who you are!) because their kids are so used to processed foods that real turkey and vegetables aren't to their liking - HUH??!!
So what gives?
While I could write chapter and verse on the need for discipline in the parent-child relationship, the real issue is our over-reliance on fast food and dining out and how it's changed our perceptions of taste and of time. This is one of those chicken vs. egg type arguments. Cooking at home requires a lot of steps - research recipes, plan meals, make a shopping list, go to the grocery store, cook the meals. Trips to the grocery store are time-consuming and meal prep times can vary between 20 minutes to several hours. Compare that to the 30 minutes it takes to get a pizza delivered to your home, or the 5 minutes waiting at the drive-through for a bucket of fried bliss and it's clear that in the home cooking vs. fast food time challenge that fast food emerges the winner.
But what about taste? Well, fast food has some advantages, but they're all unfair advantages. Fast food companies have an army of chemists and taste-testers at their disposal making sure that their food products achieve the highest level of yummy to appeal to the majority of taste buds. I'm convinced that the more you eat fast food, the more acclimatized you become to the taste so that you crave that food and that taste.
So why should I even make dinner? Why fight against the tide of golden arches or the oily scrumptiousness of a $1 taco allegedly comprised of less than 30% of actual beef?
While the obvious answer is for the sake of better health and nutrition, the better answer is that the whole exercise of making our meals and eating them together creates a sense of community and family. It feels good to watch people enjoy something that you cook - it's like you're giving them a gift. Even on those nights when a dish isn't as successful, all is not lost because the act of preparing a meal for others generates those same good feelings. Now, I'm not ignorant to how busy and fast life is these days, and I'm not advocating a return to the days of high-heeled, crinolined skirt wearing ladies of the house cheerfully whiling away the day in the kitchen. But there are ways to have a more convenient style of home cooking. My Grandma used to prepare the largest meal on Sundays, portioning and freezing or refrigerating the leftovers which would be used for meals throughout the week. Sunday's whole-roasted chicken became Monday's chicken legs and vegetable, Tuesday's chicken thighs and dumplings, Wednesday's chicken stew, and Thursday's chicken pot pie.
And while my Grandma had more than 60 years of recipes in her head, today there are all sorts of online resources, like my favorite, Recipe.com, as well as websites for The Food Network and its' shows. Epicurious.com is another great place to get inspiration for menu planning.
Now, if you're observant, you'll notice something missing from this discussion, and that's dear old dad. While this may be 2011, I suspect that the steady march toward fast food and delivery food was created from a sense of frustration on the part of the wives and moms who were saddled with the lions share of menu planning and preparation, and dads and husbands who wanted a way out of feeling guilty for that imbalance. But, that's a discussion for a different time! I'm just saying:)
Now, it seems like that kind of approach is no longer the norm. I know of families where the dinner table is a constant battlefield, where kids refuse the food on offer, and the parents throw up the white dinner napkin of surrender and settle on a feast of take-out pizza and fast food. I've dined at one home where a picky 6 year old refused to eat the homemade dinner and was then served the fried bologna sandwich he requested. Have it your way? Hell to the NO!! I've even had people show up to our home for Thanksgiving dinner armed with microwave corn dogs (you know who you are!) because their kids are so used to processed foods that real turkey and vegetables aren't to their liking - HUH??!!
So what gives?
While I could write chapter and verse on the need for discipline in the parent-child relationship, the real issue is our over-reliance on fast food and dining out and how it's changed our perceptions of taste and of time. This is one of those chicken vs. egg type arguments. Cooking at home requires a lot of steps - research recipes, plan meals, make a shopping list, go to the grocery store, cook the meals. Trips to the grocery store are time-consuming and meal prep times can vary between 20 minutes to several hours. Compare that to the 30 minutes it takes to get a pizza delivered to your home, or the 5 minutes waiting at the drive-through for a bucket of fried bliss and it's clear that in the home cooking vs. fast food time challenge that fast food emerges the winner.
But what about taste? Well, fast food has some advantages, but they're all unfair advantages. Fast food companies have an army of chemists and taste-testers at their disposal making sure that their food products achieve the highest level of yummy to appeal to the majority of taste buds. I'm convinced that the more you eat fast food, the more acclimatized you become to the taste so that you crave that food and that taste.
So why should I even make dinner? Why fight against the tide of golden arches or the oily scrumptiousness of a $1 taco allegedly comprised of less than 30% of actual beef?
While the obvious answer is for the sake of better health and nutrition, the better answer is that the whole exercise of making our meals and eating them together creates a sense of community and family. It feels good to watch people enjoy something that you cook - it's like you're giving them a gift. Even on those nights when a dish isn't as successful, all is not lost because the act of preparing a meal for others generates those same good feelings. Now, I'm not ignorant to how busy and fast life is these days, and I'm not advocating a return to the days of high-heeled, crinolined skirt wearing ladies of the house cheerfully whiling away the day in the kitchen. But there are ways to have a more convenient style of home cooking. My Grandma used to prepare the largest meal on Sundays, portioning and freezing or refrigerating the leftovers which would be used for meals throughout the week. Sunday's whole-roasted chicken became Monday's chicken legs and vegetable, Tuesday's chicken thighs and dumplings, Wednesday's chicken stew, and Thursday's chicken pot pie.
And while my Grandma had more than 60 years of recipes in her head, today there are all sorts of online resources, like my favorite, Recipe.com, as well as websites for The Food Network and its' shows. Epicurious.com is another great place to get inspiration for menu planning.
Now, if you're observant, you'll notice something missing from this discussion, and that's dear old dad. While this may be 2011, I suspect that the steady march toward fast food and delivery food was created from a sense of frustration on the part of the wives and moms who were saddled with the lions share of menu planning and preparation, and dads and husbands who wanted a way out of feeling guilty for that imbalance. But, that's a discussion for a different time! I'm just saying:)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
In Search of Civility: Say Goodbye to "Hello"?
Running errands the other morning, I encountered a pair of Bieber-haired youngsters - maybe 16 years old. The two boys, in the uniform befitting their age - hoodies, skinnyish man jeans, iPhones, and 1980's-inspired terry cloth wristbands - were making their way past me in the grocery store parking lot, and so I said "hello" to them. One of the boys barely raised his eyes to mine, seeming to grunt an acknowledgement of my greeting, while his companion responded with a sheepish "hello" minus eye contact. They continued on their way, but as I got into my car, I was put off.
As an actual, native Washingtonian, I've watched the steady decline of friendliness in this area during my lifetime. And now I've found that my personal observations are now being supported by hard fact - well, if you call Travel + Leisure magazine's annual survey of America's Favorite Cities "hard fact", which I do. While we have great classical music, wonderful historical sites and monuments, and excellent theatre (take that, NYC!!), we're not doing so well in the friendly locals department. In fact, out of the top 20 rudest cities, the DMV is ranked as No. 5. Ouch!
So why are we so unfriendly? Well, I've got my theories:
As an actual, native Washingtonian, I've watched the steady decline of friendliness in this area during my lifetime. And now I've found that my personal observations are now being supported by hard fact - well, if you call Travel + Leisure magazine's annual survey of America's Favorite Cities "hard fact", which I do. While we have great classical music, wonderful historical sites and monuments, and excellent theatre (take that, NYC!!), we're not doing so well in the friendly locals department. In fact, out of the top 20 rudest cities, the DMV is ranked as No. 5. Ouch!
So why are we so unfriendly? Well, I've got my theories:
- Tourists - The White House, the Washington Monument, the U.S. Capitol, the Library of Congress, the Supreme Court. There aren't too many places where you can experience so much history and on such a grand scale and all located within blocks from each other. Add to that our clean and easy to use Metro and it's little wonder that we are a tourist town. But we're also a town of bureaucrats who happen to work in those historical landmarks, and who are running down the out-of-order Metro escalator steps two-by-two to get that last train home so we can pick up our child at day-care before we're charged extra and who, then, can be forgiven for throwing you a nasty look and some attitude whilst you and your tourist family are blocking the bottom of said Metro escalator as you attempt to read the signs to figure out on which side of the platform you should wait.
- Very Important People - Right now as I write this I'm sure that in some hotel bar or at some restaurant, some poor, hard-working hostess is getting a version of "but, don't you know who I am" from some political appointee or wunderkind of the lobbying crowd. You can't drop a Congressional Quarterly off of a roof without hitting some undersecretary of X or assistant deputy Y, or Senator So-and-So. We have more "The Honorables" per square mile than there are "Smiths" in all of Virginia. To throw a dinner party in town, you need to have your own equivalent of the White House Social Secretary. Very Important People are very demanding and, not always, very nice. So what's worse than Very Important People? That's easy - the people who work for Very Important People. They'll mow you down as they speedwalk past you nervously thumbing away on their Blackberry. And no, don't expect them to hold the door open for you as they race into Starbuck's for the Very Important Person's morning/afternoon latte.
- Blame it on the Beltway - Ah, the Capital Beltway, that majestic 64-mile stretch of highway encircling Washington, DC like a belt, a thorny belt. Almost everyone living in and around the Nation's Capitol will have at least one bad Beltway story. It'll usually start something like this, "So I was on my way to[work/church/the mall] and then the traffic stopped for [10 minutes/30 minutes/60 minutes]." Try having a good morning or a good evening when you know that it can be ruined by the inevitable snarl on the Beltway.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A Quick Check-up on those New Year's Resolutions
Every New Year's Eve, I make up my mind to take on some new challenge for the next 365 days. And, to help cheer me on in my efforts, I create a motto - something catchy, easy to remember, that encapsulates the mental and physical journey upon which I'm about to embark. One year it was, "clear the clutter," which meant attacking the over-stuffed backroom in the basement, as well as emptying the contents of my former, thinner self crammed into my guest bedroom closets! "Clear the clutter" became so popular that soon it was extended to cover interpersonal relationships that were no longer working out - fringe friendships, unhealthy relationships all got the ax during this magical year.
Another year the motto was "put on your shoes," though my sister-in-law deserves the credit for that one. We were all trying to jump start an exercise routine and that four-word motto came in handy when I wasn't in the mood to be physically fit.
So far, we're almost 30 days into 2011 and I'm still motto-less. I mean people have finally stopped saying "Happy New Year" so I've got to get cracking. What's a kicky way to say, "go to bed earlier and eat more vegetables/less McDonald's"? I could, in the spirit of going green, simply recycle mottos from previous years, but that seems a bit lazy, like wearing the same dress to the Oscar's 2 years in a row!
Maybe, the issue is one of inspiration. Like those prophetic musical sages, The Brady Bunch, once sang, "when it's time to change you'll know it's time to change." It could be that my current, motto-less state means that I'm happy with my life, or that I'm just settling for what is, without any hope of change. My lack of a motto could be my surrender to the Fates, or I could be afraid to even dare to dream anymore. How sad that would be:(
I think I've just had one of those Oprah "aha!" moments!! I now have my 2011 motto (drum roll, please....):
Be inspired
That's it! It's short, simple. It has applicability over a wide field of subject matter. I can be inspired in my career. I can be inspired in my relationships with others. I can even be inspired in my coffee ordering - no more dopio espressos for me, nope, I'm going to try a tea I've never tasted. I'm going to listen to bands I've never heard. I'll visit states in the union that I've never visited and countries I've never seen.
Finally, the New Year may begin:)
I'm just saying!
Another year the motto was "put on your shoes," though my sister-in-law deserves the credit for that one. We were all trying to jump start an exercise routine and that four-word motto came in handy when I wasn't in the mood to be physically fit.
So far, we're almost 30 days into 2011 and I'm still motto-less. I mean people have finally stopped saying "Happy New Year" so I've got to get cracking. What's a kicky way to say, "go to bed earlier and eat more vegetables/less McDonald's"? I could, in the spirit of going green, simply recycle mottos from previous years, but that seems a bit lazy, like wearing the same dress to the Oscar's 2 years in a row!
Maybe, the issue is one of inspiration. Like those prophetic musical sages, The Brady Bunch, once sang, "when it's time to change you'll know it's time to change." It could be that my current, motto-less state means that I'm happy with my life, or that I'm just settling for what is, without any hope of change. My lack of a motto could be my surrender to the Fates, or I could be afraid to even dare to dream anymore. How sad that would be:(
I think I've just had one of those Oprah "aha!" moments!! I now have my 2011 motto (drum roll, please....):
Be inspired
That's it! It's short, simple. It has applicability over a wide field of subject matter. I can be inspired in my career. I can be inspired in my relationships with others. I can even be inspired in my coffee ordering - no more dopio espressos for me, nope, I'm going to try a tea I've never tasted. I'm going to listen to bands I've never heard. I'll visit states in the union that I've never visited and countries I've never seen.
Finally, the New Year may begin:)
I'm just saying!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Do Sisters Have to be Friends?
While I usually love the "Real Housewives" franchise for its botoxed vixens, flaxen weaves, and scandalous feuds, I've been particularly fascinated with this season's Beverly Hills edition because of the relationship between two of the ladies - Kyle and Kim. The two are sisters and their love/hate relationship teeters towards hate more often than not. Kim is the mercurial former child, teen, and young adult film and TV star who harbors deep-seated feelings of resentment towards being the family's meal ticket. And Kyle is the younger sister who feels saddled by her co-dependent older sister. Their interactions with each other are painful to watch. They're sisters, after all, so shouldn't they be expected to "get over" their issues and just be there for each other?
It's not always that easy. While some may have a relationship with their sisters that's reminiscent of that wonderful old show tune, "Sisters", where the two sisters sing of their devotion and care for one another, some of us relate to our sisters more like Jan from "The Brady Bunch" relates to Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!! Some sisters may even take the voyage to Hater-ville, going after each other like Tanya Harding went after Nancy Kerrigan. So what gives?
The simple and ugly truth is that sometimes, sisters don't like each other. Sound harsh? Well, the truth isn't pretty, that's why it's got such an ugly name! We don't choose our siblings. In the workplace that is our family, siblings are the co-workers placed in the office opposite ours, or, heaven forbid, in the same cubicle! And older siblings are even worse, getting all of the perks, including the bigger office, and, when they turn 16, a company car!
So who's to blame? Well, we can always blame our parents, and sometimes, that's actually the case. Mom and Dad can sometimes, unwittingly, create tension between siblings - overly praising the so-called "perfect" sibling, while constantly criticizing the not-so-perfect sibling. But, really, it's just simple chemistry. I hate to refute you, Rodney King, but sometimes, we can't all just get along.
I think it's time to let us off the hook, so here goes:
Just because you're sisters doesn't mean that you have to be each other's intimate other.
Any relationship that has an assumption of intimacy is doomed to failure. If your parents said that because you're sisters you have to get along, then they were wrong. Relationships are constructed of not just shared experiences, but also trust and a concern for another person that is freely given.
So, what if you're raising your daughters right now and you want to make these sisters into friends? Some sisters will naturally bond with each other and be each other's best friend for the rest of their lives. But some will need to have the space to build a relationship on their own terms. As parents, it may not be the ideal that you dreamt about, but it will be authentic.
I'm just saying:)
It's not always that easy. While some may have a relationship with their sisters that's reminiscent of that wonderful old show tune, "Sisters", where the two sisters sing of their devotion and care for one another, some of us relate to our sisters more like Jan from "The Brady Bunch" relates to Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!! Some sisters may even take the voyage to Hater-ville, going after each other like Tanya Harding went after Nancy Kerrigan. So what gives?
The simple and ugly truth is that sometimes, sisters don't like each other. Sound harsh? Well, the truth isn't pretty, that's why it's got such an ugly name! We don't choose our siblings. In the workplace that is our family, siblings are the co-workers placed in the office opposite ours, or, heaven forbid, in the same cubicle! And older siblings are even worse, getting all of the perks, including the bigger office, and, when they turn 16, a company car!
So who's to blame? Well, we can always blame our parents, and sometimes, that's actually the case. Mom and Dad can sometimes, unwittingly, create tension between siblings - overly praising the so-called "perfect" sibling, while constantly criticizing the not-so-perfect sibling. But, really, it's just simple chemistry. I hate to refute you, Rodney King, but sometimes, we can't all just get along.
I think it's time to let us off the hook, so here goes:
Just because you're sisters doesn't mean that you have to be each other's intimate other.
Any relationship that has an assumption of intimacy is doomed to failure. If your parents said that because you're sisters you have to get along, then they were wrong. Relationships are constructed of not just shared experiences, but also trust and a concern for another person that is freely given.
So, what if you're raising your daughters right now and you want to make these sisters into friends? Some sisters will naturally bond with each other and be each other's best friend for the rest of their lives. But some will need to have the space to build a relationship on their own terms. As parents, it may not be the ideal that you dreamt about, but it will be authentic.
I'm just saying:)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Congratulations, You're One of US Now!
When a newly-slim Ricky Gervais took to the stage on Sunday night's Golden Globes telecast, he gave new meaning to the phrase, "lean and mean." To be fair, Gervais has always packed a nasty bite. The characters that he played in his mocumentaries, "The Office" and "Extras", were pathetic everymen whose fleshy outsides held a bottomless pit of inner-loathing that extended to everyone they encountered. And if his contempt for his fellow man was detectable, then his offense at the cult of celebrity was at fever pitch. In "The Office", his inept, blundering alter-ego - the fictional David Brent - had dreams of celebrity that far exceeded his talents. With "Extras", Gervais inhabited another celebrity-seeking character, Andy Millman, a "background actor" who, in between takes, nursed an out sized ego and dreams of coming out of the cast of extras and into the lead. In the series, Millman gets a taste of the fame and celebrity he's long sought, only it's as an appalling, dim plant manager sporting late-1980s Elton John eyeglass frames and a fright wig in a broadly-written comedic series in the "Our You Being Served" vain. For Andy Millman, even fame and celebrity don't bring him the joy and respect he'd hope they would.
For Ricky Gervais, maybe life and art have fused together to form a reality where neither Gervais nor the fictions that he creates for himself are very happy. It's easy to see, then, why his verbal jabs at the other celebrities in the room Sunday night were so vicious. At the outset of the evening, as he sauntered on-stage with his ever-ready pint of ale in hand, he spoke these words, "I warned 'em." But, maybe, now it's time for someone to tap Ricky on the shoulder and let him know that he is now, officially, "one of 'em" himself.
I'm just saying!
For Ricky Gervais, maybe life and art have fused together to form a reality where neither Gervais nor the fictions that he creates for himself are very happy. It's easy to see, then, why his verbal jabs at the other celebrities in the room Sunday night were so vicious. At the outset of the evening, as he sauntered on-stage with his ever-ready pint of ale in hand, he spoke these words, "I warned 'em." But, maybe, now it's time for someone to tap Ricky on the shoulder and let him know that he is now, officially, "one of 'em" himself.
I'm just saying!
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