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Monday, December 9, 2013

20 Signs that You Might Be on a Reality TV Show

There seems to be an endless supply of reality TV characters. A new show, "The Tequila Sisters", is the latest to join the reality TV underverse, joining not one but two shows following preachers and their families, and another show pitting dinner party hosts against each other. Soon, we'll all be characters standing in front of always-on cameras, unless I intervene now. There may not be four horsemen of the Apocalypse or even an "Inception"-style spinning top, but these are sure signs that you might be on a reality TV show:

  1. You decide to produce and star in your own fitness video even though you are not physically fit.
  2. You have hair and make-up team house calls to get you ready for your daughter's christening or your friend's lame dinner party 10 miles down the road from your house.
  3. You rent limousines and party buses to take you to a friend's lame dinner party 10 miles down the road from your house.
  4. You wear a sheer maxi dress and strappy 5-inch heeled sandals to the lame dinner party at a friend's house.
  5. You throw a drink/throw a punch/scream at a guest attending the friend's lame dinner party in the last 5 minutes of that dinner party.
  6. Camera crews document your trips to the grocery store/bikini waxer/wig shop/delicatessen.
  7. You plan your outfits around how discreetly the wireless mic pack will fit.
  8. You buy those outfits in crowded boutiques located in characterless strip malls.
  9. You eat lunches in restaurants where you and your cast mate/friend are the only two customers.
  10. You create a charity that doesn't seem to raise money for any particular cause, but that requires you to host numerous galas, at which you wear tacky evening gowns bought from the strip mall boutique.
  11. You always have a red carpet and step-and-repeat at these charity galas and there is always, always drama about who may walk on the red carpet.
  12. You hire a party planner for your 4-year-old's birthday party.
  13. You take frequent vacations with women you hate.
  14. One of those vacations must be to Las Vegas.
  15. During the Las Vegas vacation, at least one person in your party says one of the following while riding in a stretch Hummer limo: "Vegas, baby!" or "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!"
  16. The following words/phrases creep into your everyday speech: side-eye, shade, disrespect, closure, at the end of the day, no she didn't, no he didn't, I think I just threw up in my mouth, **BEEP** you, **BEEP** off.
  17. You hire personal assistants even though you're a housewife living in a 1500-square foot rental and your only "child" is an overweight Chihuahua.
  18. Your Chihuahua must accompany you everywhere either in a large purse-styled pet carrier or on a fabulous luxury-label leash.
  19. Your "intimate" couple time must include a bubble bath in a large soaking tub surrounded by lit pillar candles, and a camera crew.
  20. The soles of all of your shoes are painted red, even if they are not the product of a certain, luxury shoemaker.

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