All Plugged in and Nothing to Say: The Art of Conversation in 2011

The other day, as my hubby and I sat staring at the glow from our PDAs, we attempted a conversation about the latest news happenings, only to discover that we were both sourcing the same article on Huff Post. A second attempt landed a similar result, only this time the source was a New York Times article. A third attempt was called off, and we, instead, resumed our online wanderings with only the click of the trackball and the slide of the finger across the touchscreen punctuating the silence.

Welcome to Conversation 2011.

With so much information at our fingertips, we are constantly grabbing little bits of facts and cramming them into our heads, only to instantly regurgitate them to each other. Information becomes circular, and pretty soon you hear that same cool factoid that you'd just read spilling out of the mouth of someone else, or see it in someone's Twitter feed. And sadly, this is what passes for conversation.

When I was in college, taking the liberal arts educational equivalent of circuit training - with classes in philosophy, history, literature, science, math, and religion - I remember conversations that lasted from noon to night-time. We talked about everything and in every way. Sure, we had hours of classroom lectures and hundreds of pages of textbooks to draw upon, but our discussions were more than just spitting out what we had memorized. We digested and played with the facts that we learned, exploding them and creating new worlds of meaning and possibility.

That's all changed, and not just because of the passage of a couple of decades. Our entire experience of information has been forever altered by the technological leaps that continue to transform how we access information. We see so much so fast that it's like Lucy and Ethel at the candy factory! We've become great generalists who can quote lots of little things about lots and lots of things, all without a depth and a connection to the subject matter. We are familiar with things, but we don't know them.

The quality of our conversations, then, becomes a casualty. So I'm on a mission to restore the art of conversation to its former glory. First, I've got to get some basic training under my belt. That's right - back to reading one book a week, reading the daily newspaper cover to cover, and avoiding the snack time served up on one of those news aggregator sites. I'll steer clear of CNN Headline News and spend a little quality time with C-SPAN. While I may not be able to go cold turkey on "The Today Show",  I'll limit my viewing to thirty minutes and will read more background pieces on the topics that the show covers.

The second component to this basic training is creating better opportunities for conversation, which means scheduling brunches and dinners with people. This one's a bit tricky, but I'll take it on. Sitting down at a meal takes people away from those distractions that interfere with great conversations, and, untethered from your PDAs, you may even find the space to flex those mental muscles! Of course, there's the danger that, once at table with these people, you find that you have nothing to say to each other. But you can always pull out your iPhones and compare apps, if need be - just think of your phone like one of those "break glass in case of emergency" boxes! I'm just saying:)

YouPad, WePad, iPad, too!

So now that the dust has settled and the temporary camp sites that were erected outside of Apple stores have been broken down, it's safe to say goodbye to all of the iPad 2 hype. It was fun while it lasted, though, wasn't it? There were the joyful proclamations by the Mac masses, ever faithful to their brand, and confident that THIS would change the very face of computing. There were the Haters, poking a finger in the eye at the subpar camera and the other dubious upgrades offered on the device. There were the urban legends, including the one where a woman who had the coveted first spot in the long, snaking line outside of an Apple store sold her spot to a man for $900.

I wanted to see for myself, but, as I had a life, I waited until Saturday, after the dust had settled, to wonder into the nearest Apple store. The storefront window was festooned with silver balloons and oversized cardboard versions of the iPad 2 and its rainbow of colorful carrying cases. Inside the store stood two weary security guards and the team of blue-shirted geniuses, with various piercings, wool beanie hats, and soul patches, all zipping around tending to the 40 or so customers. They were exhausted, partly from crowd control the day before, but mostly, I suspect, from being asked the same question over and over again, "so, when are you getting more iPad 2s??"

The young lady who came to help me was a friendly soul who bore the look of one of those actors hired to stay in character all day at Disney - you know that look that says "I'm tired, and even though this is the happiest place on earth I'm mustering this smile purely out of obligation and not the actual emotion of joy." I felt bad for her, and soon we were chatting like old friends, that is until we were interrupted by a customer in the uniform of the hipster Mac owner - interesting glasses, functional footwear, expensive outdoor wear. He was feverish, having missed out on an iPad 2 the day before. He'd resorted to Apple's online store, but his beloved iPad 2 wouldn't be delivered for 3-4 weeks, so here he was, trying to get some hard intel from my genius on the arrival of the next shipment to the store. But my genius was formidable, and inscrutable, telling him that only the great and powerful Oz, oops, I meant Jobs would know when the next shipment would arrive. Our hipster friend left, most likely on his way to another Apple store, but he wasn't the only one who came in telling a similar story.

I sat down and toyed around with one of the display models, and while it is a very cool machine, I wondered just how much more special it could possibly be in comparison to its much hyped big sister, the original iPad. And what about the next very special thing that will inevitably be released from the gods of Cupertino? Will there ever be a time when we'll be allowed to just be happy with what we have?

Unfortunately, I think the answer is no. The iPad is like a lot of new technology - it's not something that we need, it's something that we desire. Need is so basic - I need shelter, I need air, I need clothing, I need food to eat and water to drink.  But desire - the desire to have the biggest house I can afford, to wear expensive clothing, to eat expensive food and drink expensive designer bottles of water - desire knows no end. Now, after getting the object of our desire, we may then press it into service and say that it does fulfill a need. This is the genius of Apple - the subversion of need with the perversion of desire all for a tidy profit. But hey, it's not like they invented this, I mean temptation has been around since a nice girl gave the first apple to a nice boy, and we know where that led us! I'm just saying:)

Don't Throw Away the Fat Clothes!

Last week, actor Seth Rogen, the gravely-voiced, fuzzy haired thespian from the House of Judd Apatow said that he needs his fat clothes back. Rogen, whose career centered on playing doughy slackers in such films as "Knocked Up" (doughy slacker impregnates hot girl), and "Funny People" (doughy slacker pursuing a career as stand-up comic), had recently shed some major LBs in preparation for his role in the reboot of the 1960s TV show, "The Green Hornet." As he made the rounds of various talk shows hawking the film, he was praised for his new and improved physique. In fact, it wasn't just the weight loss that people noticed. The formerly rumpled performer who had appeared in the past to resemble an unmade bed was cleaning up his act. His hair underwent a massive deforesting, going from matted, cranky curls of afro proportions to a sleek, close cut. His clothing selections changed, as well, with his usual nasty, wrinkled cord jacket and ironic graphic t-shirt upgraded to a fitted suit. He looked good and we all cheered. So what happened?

Rogen himself has always been very vocal about his weight and his reluctance to lose it: "I lost the weight for a role, but I don't know if I'll keep it off. That's the big question. I have a lot of tantrums. I want my food. I cry for no reason." While Rogen may have put a funny spin on it, a lot of us share his struggle. Going from fat to thin is more than physical, it's an intense emotional and psychological experience and one of the prime battlegrounds is your closet.

As you start to lose weight, it's the clothes in your closet that can serve as constant reminders of your former, fatter self. Some people do a massive closet purge, giving away all of their larger size items. Most people, though, will retain some of their plus-sized clothing items, pushing them way back in their closets, while buying new things in their smaller size. The result is a closet that has clothing in several sizes - fat, thin, and in-between. My own closet fits this model, but I've often wondered if my fat clothes have become my crutch. Look, I know we're in the middle of a recession and some of those items in my wardrobe have special meaning to me, but could they be doing me a mental disservice?

The ghosts of dress sizes past can really do a number on you, reminding you of that phantom fat person who dwelled inside of you. Here are some quick tips on what to do with those fat clothes:

• KEEP those clothes that have deep emotional meaning to you. If the dress you had made in Thailand is too large for you, then buy a belt, have it altered, or put it in the back of the closet.
• GIVE AWAY those larger sized items that are no longer your taste and style.
• KEEP those crazy, super-expensive designer duds that you bought on a whim.
• GIVE AWAY those larger sized suits and career dresses to a group like Dress for Success as they always need gently used professional items for larger sizes.
• GIVE AWAY dress trousers, because it's difficult to alter them to fit your smaller self.
• KEEP skirts, as the waists can be taken in or let out as needed.

And don't beat yourself up, remember that the goal is improved health and not just weight loss. Also, buy more purses and shoes because even if your pants don't fit, you can console yourself with your fabulous accessories! I'm just saying:)

Hey Ladies, Where's Our Hall Pass??

At some point, between the first time and the second time that the ad for the movie, "Hall Pass," I started to feel a slight twinge in my right forefinger. That twinge became a persistent poking that had spread to my entire right arm by the fourth or fifth viewing of the "Hall Pass" ad, and by the seventh viewing, I figured that I'd have to either change the TV channel, or scream my head off. "Hall Pass" stars an ensemble cast of c-list actors from television sitcoms, including that guy who looks like that guy from "The Hangover", but who's on "Saturday Night Live" in that red Adidas track suit doing the Running Man in that skit with that guy from that show that was on Nickelodeon. But I digress! "Hall Pass" is about a group of men who are given permission by their wives to indulge in a voyage of debauchery, with the understanding that after their romp, they'll return home to their significant others, fully sated.

What the wha??!!

I wish that "Hall Pass" was unique, but, sadly, it's just a carbon copy of "The Hangover", which starred that guy who's not Josh Lucas or Matthew McConaughey. And you might as well add in "Cedar Rapids" while you're at it, which, from its trailers, appears to be a mash-up of "Porkys" and "The Office"! In each of these movies, the men folk are free to roam, set loose on an open prairie populated by scantily clad ladies and a convenient and abundant supply of booze, snacks, and stripper poles. There are some ladies in these films who manage to keep their clothes on, though, and these women are called The Wives. They pop up at the worst possible moments, like when their husbands are having a good time with the scantily clad ladies, booze, snacks and stripper poles!

By the end of these films, the boys return home from their lost weekends, with a renewed and profound love for their wives. Sounds great, huh? HELL TO THE NO!!

So here's my question: where's my hall pass????

Answer: ask Thelma and Louise.

You all remember the film, "Thelma and Louise" don't you?? It's about two girls gone wild, out on a crazy tear after one of them suffers physical abuse at the hands of her significant other. Of course, this film doesn't include a cameo by boxer Mike Tyson, and the two titular heroines choose to hurl their car into the Grand Canyon rather than be caught alive! So here's the "takeaway" for us ladies - no hall pass for us!

You won't see "The Hangover Part 3: The Book Club Hits the Strip Club" anytime soon, or "Soccer Moms in Vegas" or "Bunko Gone Bad" at the local cineplex. You see, the sad truth is that when we think of women getting together and letting their hair down, we confine our thoughts to chardonney, shopping, and the spa.  We don't get a hall pass because why would we need one? We are the Thing Planners, the Schedule Keepers, the List Makers, in short, the responsible ones. While men will be boys, women will always be women, at least that's how it is in the movies. But maybe that's not really what bugs me about these films. Maybe, it's that these movies are telling a truth, all be it from one point of view. I'm just saying!

Lent: Not Just for Catholics Anymore!

I'm at that age where everything old is now retro and hip. My old neon Reebok high tops from high school are vintage, and Tupperware parties are ironic. And now we can add Lent to that pile. For those not in the know, Lent is a liturgical season of reflection that prepares us for the coming of Easter. Growing up Roman Catholic as I did, Lent was a time of rules, lots of rules - fasting on Ash Wednesday, no meat on Fridays.

Lent also meant giving up something. The nuns at my elementary school said that in order for us to understand the sacrifice that Jesus would make for us when he was crucified, we needed to give up something dear to ourselves. So, like Star Trek, the search would begin for that meaningful thing. In years past, I'd focus on certain foods, like French fries, or sodas, or meat, or desserts. Thus, my Lenten journey became a jump start to my diet.

Some years, I tried to give up bad habits that I felt were stifling the development of my personal character, like gossiping. But I didn't last long with these, and would soon find myself swearing off of French fries for the duration of Lent.

Now, I've found that my non-RC (that's short for Roman Catholic) brothers and sisters are getting hip to Lent. Turns out that people like the idea of affecting deep personal change in the span of one month!! Lent has become their very own makeover show. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's a good thing when people take some sort of inventory of their lives. But the Lenten sacrifice, like New Year's resolutions to lose weight or join the gym, can become a short-lived endeavor that's abandoned when it's no longer convenient.

I've found myself at the end of Lent lighter in girth, but not necessarily more spiritually aware. Lent can become a time of intense navel-gazing, but it also has the potential to direct your focus outside of yourself.  So what'll it be for me this Lent? I'm still unsure, but just to be on the safe side, I'll just avoid the McDonald's drive-thru for the next 40 days and 40 nights - no use in tempting fate! I'm just saying:)

Run Like Hell: A How-To Guide When Couples You Know De-Couple

While the world seems focused on Charlie Sheen and his polyamorous ways, I started thinking about the marital break-up that precipitated this current free-fall. While Charlie's plight has some very Hollywood elements to it, all marital break-ups have one thing in common: friends caught in the middle. And while no-fault divorce exists in the courtroom, in the living room or dining room or wherever friends gather, there is only war. Couples become friends with other couples, but if the marriage of one of those couples falls off of a cliff, then you might just find yourself hurtling into the void.

But how does this happen? Sometimes, it starts small, with little drips of information about the relationship being unintentionally leaked during an unguarded moment by Spouse A. Then, maybe there's an invitation to coffee where Spouse A wants to ask your advice about Spouse B. Next thing you know, you and your significant other are at dinner with this couple, and you're being dragged into the middle of a sudden disagreement between Spouse A and Spouse B.

But, you may say, I'm a reasonable person and I have a great relationship with MY spouse, so there's no danger in my counseling Spouse A. And I'd have to say you're completely wrong!

A marriage ending is like a bomb going off and it can injure those in closest proximity to it. So here's an easy to use how-to guide to get you through someone else's rough patch:

1. Screen Your Calls - In this era of high-tech gadgetry meant to keep us in constant contact, you are always accessible. This is a not good if you've got a needy couple in crisis texting/calling/emailing every hour on the hour to tell you what an A.S.S. their significant other is. Call-screening is a time-honored practice, dating back to the very first answering machine.
2. Get Thee to a Therapist - Maybe I shouldn't be the one that has to tell you this, but, guess what? You're probably not a therapist. Your combative couple friends may know that, but they willfully choose to ignore it when they start the Debbie Downer Download. And while it's nice to feel needed, don't give into the Siren Song of Seduction that is the Couple in Crisis. Instead, learn this phrase, practice it until it is burned into the synapses of your brain: "You know, maybe you should see a therapist." Now relax and breath. Ah:)
3. Forget Neutral - Some friends of the de-coupling couple like to try to remain friends with both parties, and think that by stating this, and then listening to all of the pains and woes and trials and tribulations of both spouses that they're being fair and balanced and remaining neutral. News flash: there's no such thing as neutral in this situation. At some point, one or both of them will try to pump you for info on the other, and soon you'll find yourself called to testify in their testy divorce proceedings. Or, worse, your own spouse will choose a side and you'll find your own home life compromised as somebody else's mess seeps into your home. 
4. Stop Making Friends with Other Couples - After the couple has moved from crisis to counseling to divorce and onto living the newly single life, reflect back on your friendship and instead of trying to be friends with 2 people, why not try a friendship with one person. You see, couple friendships are so tricky because they're built on a false premise - the premise that if I like you that I must also like your spouse. That's such bunk! Friendship, true friendship, is a choice that happens when two people like each other and spend time with each other of their own free will. Deep friendship is an emotionally intimate relationship that grounds you and uplifts you. This isn't about liking one spouse and dis-liking the other spouse, it's truly about connection.

I'm just saying!

Putting the "Real" in Reality

With the announcement of the new cast of "Dancing with the Stars" (Wendy Williams - how YOU doin'??) and the introduction of yet another set of plump-lipped, tacky tarts clawing at each other in the "Real Housewives" franchise, it's clear that the Spring 2011 Reality TV season is upon us. And, like the award season that has just ended, capped by last week's Academy Awards, there will be some clear winners and losers in some of the more anticipated contests - will Ne Ne reign down blows on Star Jones in "Celebrity Apprentice?" And which of the returning baddies will be the last one standing on Survivor: Redemption Island?" But there's one reality show that tops them all and it stars Charlie Sheen, his Goddesses, his ex-wife, and his two adorable sons.

Perhaps you've seen it - on "Extra", or "Entertainment Tonight", or E!News or "The Today Show", ad nauseum and ad infinitum! The Charlie Sheen show is the hottest ticket in town, it seems, and everyone in the media has a finger in this poison pie. From his off-kilter Tweets to his intimate and sprawling 2-part interview with "The Today Show", Sheen has put the "real" back into Reality TV, with the reporters happily joining in for their 15 minutes! The interviews on "The Today Show" were some of the worst, with the reporter treating this like high camp, instead of a person's mental illness on public display. Sheen himself seemed to be in on the joke, too, smirking and grimacing with perfect comedic timing. Every now and again he'd put on the "reasonable man" voice, you know, the one you use in a sitcom when you're about to reveal something serious and weighty, only to be followed by a zinger that sends the studio audience into fits of laughter - and scene!

Only, this isn't a sitcom, where, in the span of 24 minutes, problems will be solved and then the credits roll. A line has been crossed. Hell, I wouldn't be the first to accuse an actor of being delusional, of making a character that he plays a part of his actual identity. And some actors will readily admit that they share lots of qualities with their on-screen alter-egos. Friends of the late Heath Ledger spoke of the extreme emotional demands that he faced when he portrayed the maniacal, murderous Joker in "The Dark Night".  It seemed that the fragile line between real and unreal eroded to a point that it caused distress in the late actor.

So what does that mean for the Sheen Machine? Well, it could mean that he's taken on the persona of the glib, womanizing man he portrays on "Two and a Half Men" in some sort of Vulcan mind-meld. He has, literally, become the character. But some would argue that the character he plays on television is loosely based on the reality of Sheen's own indiscreet past.  So, then, which Charlie Sheen is the REAL Charlie Sheen? Wow, I'm having one of those Absurdist Ionesco moments, again! I'm just saying:)